Where Do I Even Start? A Gentle Guide to Discovering What You Like Sexually
It’s one of the most common things I hear from women:
“I don’t even know what I like.”
Whether you're in a relationship(s), dating, or solo, it can feel overwhelming (and even intimidating) to begin exploring your sexual preferences, especially when you’ve spent years (or decades) focusing on what someone else wanted.
You might feel disconnected from your body.
You might feel shame around even being curious.
Or you might just be wondering, “Am I the only one who never figured this out?”
You’re not alone.
And no, you’re not behind.
First, Know This: You’re Allowed to Not Know
No one handed you a roadmap for your own pleasure.
Many women were raised to be “nice,” “easygoing,” or “low-maintenance,” which often meant ignoring their own desires.
So if no one ever asked you what felt good, or gave you time and space to explore it, it makes complete sense that you're starting here.
This isn’t about catching up.
It’s about finally tuning in.
Step 1: Get Curious About Sensation, Not Performance
Start with the senses:
- What textures do you love? Soft blankets, silky sheets, warm water?
- What kinds of touch feel comforting or awakening, a firm press? A light graze?
- What parts of your body crave attention… even outside of a sexual context?
This helps reintroduce you to your body, without pressure, expectations, or goals.
Pro Tip: Exploring what feels sensual (not just sexual) is a powerful place to begin.
Step 2: Journal Without Judgment
Ask yourself:
- What did I learn about sex growing up?
- What have I been taught I “should” like?
- What do I actually feel curious about?
Writing it down helps separate what’s yours from what was given to you by culture, religion, media, or past partners.
Step 3: Explore Erotica That Centers Your Imagination
If traditional porn doesn’t speak to you, that’s totally okay. You’re not broken.
Try:
- Erotic short stories
- Feminist or audio erotica platforms (e.g., Dipsea, Quinn, or Emjoy)
- Guided sensual meditations or body mapping exercises
See what makes your mind light up, your breath catch, your body feel present. That’s data. That’s your yes starting to speak.
Step 4: Try the “Yes / No / Maybe” List
This isn’t about what you’ll do — it’s about what you’re curious about.
Look up a Yes/No/Maybe list online (or make your own) and go through it in a calm, private moment.
Notice what feels like a firm no.
Notice what brings up a reaction, even confusion or hesitation.
That’s a sign to get curious, not to pressure yourself.
Step 5: Practice Giving Yourself Permission
This might be the hardest part.
Noticing what you like is one thing.
Allowing yourself to want it, without guilt or shame, is another.
This is a lifelong practice. And it starts with small, embodied choices:
- Choosing rest when you need it
- Saying no when something feels off
- Asking for something (in or out of the bedroom) that you’ve been afraid to say aloud
The more you build trust with yourself, the more your body will speak up.
Final Thought: You Don’t Need to Know Everything to Begin
You don’t need the perfect answers.
You don’t need to be fully healed.
You don’t need to be wildly turned on all the time.
You just need a little space.
A little curiosity.
And a whole lot of self-compassion.
Pleasure is not a destination.
It’s a relationship, with your body, your voice, and your truth.
And you are so worthy of it!
